I don’t know why I came to be in this world, I have thought about it countless times in the course of these 19 years I’ve lived, I don’t have an answer yet but I have a vague idea. When I first stepped into this world it was obscure and it was in my hands to shape what lied ahead of me (this, however, I realized only much later). I bumped into several sharp edges but I was inquisitive, I wanted to see where my actions would eventually lead me, I didn’t fear much as I knew my parents were leading the way and if anything did go wrong, they would be there to save me. I perceived my life as something magical and everything I saw and touched, enchanted. I didn’t know a good many things but I was excited to be here, eager to experience more and taste life better (even though I probably didn’t know what this meant back then). The simple act of going to a bakery after a mass with my family on a cold Sunday evening gave me so much joy. I thought as long as I followed them (my parents) I would be fine and everything will play out well . Now of course I didn’t have a deep understanding for things back then so all my attachments were to superficial things on a superficial level. I was also easily manipulated because of this leading me to think only a certain way will get me to my shallow goals. It didn’t help when I started to question my parents decisions either. From the beginning I always had the habit of questioning anything and everything i used to deal with or come in contact. I used to ask myself, how did this come to be? why is this the way it is? why are people behaving the way they behave? why is there such a system as the government? but all these questions and more were either dismissed or convinced that that’s how the world works so I used to forget all about it the very next moment I questioned it. I’m not sure exactly when but at some point in my teenage life I came to a halt and said, ” No, I need some answers, I need to make sense of things on my own, I cant rely on somebody else’s instructions and mindset.” I desperately needed to know the answers of the million how’s and why’s this life made me inquire.
Unlike a lot of people at their teenage age being exposed to a lot of new experiences, I was guarded closely from the prying eyes of the world. I didn’t have access to the genius ideologies of Aristotle or Rene Descartes (or even the internet for that matter), only what my immature 13yr old friends had to say in school and I promptly imbibed what they gave me. I did realize soon that mistakes were made and as much as our experiences shape who we are now, I realized I didn’t really have a mind of my own. For some reason Greek mythologies really attracted me and I was in awe with Athena, the Greek Goddess of wisdom, I saw in her the courage and intelligence I longed for. Reading about them felt invigorating and I felt new ideas take shape in my mind ( the mythologies were not the only reason though, sometimes it would be an inspiring cartoon, poetry or even simple motivational posts on pinterest ).
That’s when I slowly started to learn that I am my own person, there’s more to life than the mundane everyday routine of waking up, working and going back to sleep and things are not always as they seem. What my parents said and taught me now felt insufficient and lacked meaning in many spheres. I began to see things in a different light ; Why do I really like chocolate flavored milkshake? is it because I like it or because my friend said she did? Why did wear that purple skirt to school? because I heard a group of girls say it looked pretty. I searched for baseless validation but really, why did I do the things I did? to satisfy me? or people who didn’t matter? what did I really want from life?
Too see a world in a grain of sand
and a heaven in a wildflower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand
And eternity in an hour
~ William Blake
As far as I remember the one thing I valued the most from early on was the friendships I had made. I remember doing anything to make it last long. I remember being miserable for days if I had even a small fight with my friends. With a few hurdles along the way I have come to realize that human relationships are not always constant so I decided to enjoy it while it lasts. Some things are beyond your control so as much as the relationships we form with people are cardinal so is the relationship you form with yourself. I personally value making peace with yourself a lot because you cannot help others when you yourself are falling apart. We go to endless extremes to satisfy someone or do something not knowing the importance of how it actually affects us and how much really can our mind take. Its rather imperative to keep both your mind and heart in sync with each other to make rational choices and keep our relationships strong. Although its easier said than done.
I didn’t exactly have a friendly environment in my middle school, now that I look back, it was quite toxic but I learned to grow from the concrete. This made me realize that, I didn’t want to put anyone else in my situation even though I was bitter about it. I was quick to judge and unsupportive if I didn’t agree with what one had to say but I learnt from my mistakes. My experiences shaped me for the better. Earlier I didn’t understand what my mother used to say about kindness and humility but as I grew I began to see the light. So I always try to understand what one is saying or their opinion, I try my best to put myself in their shoes. I realized I wanted people to feel warm when they met me because that sense of comfort is a priceless feeling, to not feel threatened about oneself and be able to speak freely.
I constantly keep making errors, sometimes huge ones but I fairly know what’s right. Its mostly my instinct or gut feeling but also my past mistakes and the fear of committing them again. It is also my upbringing, I was given tough love to do the right things and consequences used to be rough when I failed to do so. Sometimes my emotions overtake me into doing something or I’m mentally exhausted from overthinking the outcomes I might receive but I have drawn lines which I made myself promise I wouldn’t cross to keep my principles intact. Since I also observe the world around me a lot I tend to better my actions by seeing someone else experiences, I don’t see if it is particularly right by the society’s standards, if I like it then I tend to do it. Its my will in the end that matters as long as its not hurting or disturbing someone else in any way. Society (and the world in general) has had a tight leash on our decisions since time immemorial and I don’t want to give in to that anymore. Especially now with the internet age someone else’s opinion is imposed on us unconsciously, trapping us in a cage and blinding us from looking beyond. I have my own thinking which I will use to go on in life. We are all individuals who have our own intricate thinking and one is not like any other, so they are entitled to have their decisions and choices made by themselves. As for me, I truly believe I am the designer of my own catastrophe. It was my choice to do something, so I will face anything that comes in the road I took, good or bad because its my life and I decided to live it that way.
One thing that I frantically look for till this day is the truth. Just when I put my foot down and say, “Yes this is it, this is the truth.” I am immediately told or proven otherwise. As much as it is great to mature and know about how the world works, the more I know, the more threatening it is to my sanity. We’re currently living in a world where saying the “right” thing is taken as an offence or being inconsiderate to others opinion and saying “no” is considered as being vacuous and staying neutral as being complacent. You are expected to have a say in things but are deemed ignorant or dull-witted if you do. So no matter what you personally do, there’s always going to be different truths in different peoples eyes, they raise their voices and hands to cover what is true that they forget what it is anymore and people fear to search it because they know it will not be as sweet as honey and their ideal world will crumble down. The truth is always strained because no one has the courage to speak it or look for it. Though you might find people who claim to know what’s true, I don’t think anybody really knows. At least the sun rises from the east and sets in the west is one absolute truth I can be sure of.
I know this is overly done and said but I still find love to be beautiful and I’m not talking about the tooth aching sweet and cheesy kind or the simple words that two people in love share. Love is not always warm and gentle. Its raw, gritty, dirty and possessive, sometimes its not supposed to be careful or soft at all. Sometimes it feels like fangs in your heart and I think that’s what makes it all the more beautiful. So far I have learnt that people do what they do for fairly two reasons either they love it or they hate it. With hatred, the ignited flame is diminished over time (unless the person is a demon) or is replaced with other enraged emotions and believe it or not love is an underlying cause for that hatred. Love sustains the person, it fuels their passion, to achieve something, it inspires one not to give up if it burns strong enough. Subconsciously everything we do is in hopes of being loved and in the hope that only love can save us. Attach love to any endeavor you take up and it will bloom in grace (most of the time). It can also be a ticking time bomb when you don’t know how to handle it and can cause your destruction. So its a road everyone takes but forgets to tread carefully on. There’s a thin line drawn between love being a salve and a deeper kind of wound. If that line is smudged, it can get problematic. Isn’t that beautiful? The way it has us wrapped around its fingers?
Life is hard and very often I want to desperately get out of my body. Reality happens and I escape to the world in my head, my dreamscape (a very bad coping mechanism take it from me) but maybe it did take a crisis to get to know myself better. Maybe it did take getting whacked hard by life before I understood what I wanted out of it. It took me a long time to realize that not everything in life is meant to be a beautiful story. Not every person we feel something deep and moving with is meant to make a home within us, is meant to be forever. Sometimes experiences and people come into our lives to teach us how to love and sometimes they come into our lives to teach us how not to love, how not to settle, how not to shrink ourselves ever again. Yes these moments and people will not last forever but the lessons stay and that’s what matters. These fleeting moments are what I live for. To find poetry in everything : in the gleeful prance of that dog, in the careful dance of the trees. To experience that bizarre wholesome feeling when you discover something and just the thought of missing it making you feel empty. To realize that unsaid sentences does not mean unfelt emotions time and again. To know there’s more to life than your daily exhausting routines; there are cafes on cozy city corners with vintage chandeliers and that waiter that always smiles at you when you order a chai latte. There are Christmas trees that shine through apartment windows and that 70 year old couple who walk around the park at at 9:30 every morning. That adrenaline walk to the bus stop afraid you might miss the bus and that feeling when the wind is in your hair in the highway. Thursdays when you’re awoken by the patter of rain on your roof and Sunday nights when the week is yours to conquer. Seeing the sky changes hues, feeling the warmth of that morning strip of sunlight through your window and seeing the sea rise like the pulse of our hearts. Karaoke nights to butcher songs with your friends and those long tight hugs when your day was tough. Entering a book store and the scent of million old books wafting through the air and wondering why nobody thought to bottle this. It is the simple things but its what makes my life worth living and gives me the will to go on. Yes this world is scary but it can also be so very beautiful if you give it a chance, because the universe will not let you feel forlorn. Although I’m not fully sure of what my purpose here is, I certainly have come a long way from where I started and I know there’s a longer road ahead. I haven’t met all of me yet and I’m excited to discover. I will take my time, its not a process I’d like to rush and I know I’m not the same person I was yesterday. I still want to feel everything and more, not just the good parts but everything because I don’t want to live a monotone life . So I will collect all these shattered parts within me and create something elegant or so I hope.
Serendipity 